For the first installment of the new year, we thought a few words of wisdom from the Spidermonkey Ride Leaders would help set the tone for another great year or at the very least waste a couple minutes of your time.  So read on, absorb the wisdom, piss excellence and ride on!

Dean Okun – The Wisest of the Wise

  1. Any ride that ends at JJ Peppers is a good ride!
  2. “Special A” at Budacki’s is the perfect recovery food.
  3. No, Ken Mitchell is not a Rockefeller, but has nicer bikes than them.
  4. Getting a flat tire is NOT catastrophic!!!
  5. You do not chew ZYM!
  6. There IS sushi at the rest stop on the Harmon Hundred!
  7. The Easter Bunny will steal your gloves on the Easter Ride.
  8. Do not change your shorts/skinsuit after applying Embrocation….you will get it on your junk.
  9. Shaving your legs is pro.  Not shaving all the way up and having hair shorts is NOT pro.
  10. “Reply All” is not a button you press to win the lottery.
  11. Rookie Tattoo‘s (or Cat5 Tattoo’s) aren’t just for rookies!

Vanessa Schilling – Wiser than the Wisest

  1. For the newbies: wearing underwear under your shorts is a huge faux pas. More importantly, you will be made fun of for the rest of your life.
  2. Folding the changing tent looks so easy but it’s not.

Rebecca Paulson Meyers – Wiser than Michael Meyers

  • On chilly rides, an extra sports bra in a sandwich bag for a wardrobe change in HP is a lifesaver.

John Lyon – Questionable Wisdom for Moving to NW Indiana

  1. When temperatures rise stick a frozen water bottle down your back.
  2. When riding home from Three Floyds on a 100 degree day jump in Lake Michigan to cool off.
  3. Don’t drink 3-5 beers before riding home from 3 Floyds on a 100 degree day.
  4. If a bus tries to pass a group of 15 people on a Wednesday Night Ride let it go. The next street is probably your turn.
  5. Before you chase Drew up Tower Rd find out where he plans to turn around!

Drew Kushnick – The Wise Attacker

  1.  4 out of 5 experts agree that running is not good training for cycling.
  2. Ask one of our ride leaders (Rebecca) how to get a Rookie Tattoo and for advice on how to get them off.

Kristi Hanson – I’m so Wise, I’d rather be Climbing

  1. According to Dean you can ride on a flat for days.
  2. Girls do go on the Wednesday Night Ride. Some of us stay with the fast boys (aka Vanessa, Kim, and Katie), but most of us do not so you will most likely have people to ride with. If not, just know the route and hang on as long as you can. It will make you faster. :-)

Josh Green – Pisses Wisdom All of the Time!

  1. Never let a new rider lead the group, even if they are faster than everyone else in the group.
  2. When that new rider gets to the front anyway and asks should they turn left the answer is “correct” not “that’s right.”
  3. There is *never* sushi at any rest stop.
  4. Watch out for big grated manhole covers unless you like to fall over at 0 mph when everyone is watching.

Brandon Diffenderfer – I’m so Wise I can spell my own last name

  1. If you “win” the Ugly Jersey competition, we should never see you in that kit again.
  2. Blinkies are cheap, buy one.
  3. PRO: I don’t know where it started. I don’t know who started it. But use of PRO as shorthand for cool/hardman/awesome/remarkable is really, really annoying. More rants can be found here
  4. We don’t care about your max 5 minute power output, you’re still slow.

John Castro – Pissed Wisdom Last Year

  1. It’s helpful to have 1-3 alarms spread around your bedroom to ensure you get up on time to make it to the Saturday ride.  Or bust your ass to catch up with the group somewhere on the way north .. and sometimes if you’re really late, hopefully before everyone’s done with coffee at HP.
  2. Some experts agree that running is good training for cycling.

We could go on and on and on … but, we’ll spare you.  We’re looking forward to another great year!  See you all out on the road (and dirt)!!